Sunday, September 16, 2007

drive-thru beliefs

...was really quickly asked to list 5 things i believe in... this is what i wrote, thought it was interesting especially being a spontaneous answer to a subject i've never really given much analytical thought to... and definitely have never simplified into 5 concise bullet-points..

a drive-thru version of my beliefs i guess...


List 5 things you believe in:
- love
- the power and freedom in truth
- the universe is malleable to our desires and ambitions
- human devotion
- the immense influence in words with intent

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The Process of My Mind..

Ingelheim, Deutschland
16 August, 2007


In a cold corner of the kitchen floor, I'm sitting with a mug pressed against my lips, and a dirty ashtray set by my ankle. Looking through the steam rising from my coffee, I find myself taken by a moment of clarity... tranquility.

A clear and concise message comes to me as words form in the eye of my mind. The letters seem to fall into place with such certainty that I believe there's a force sucking them in from the farthest reaches of my mind.

"The stricture is a pale reprimand to the loveliness of the crime."

The only thing that attempts to counter the cold reaching up at me from the tiles of the floor is a small, red candle on a table across the room. It's flame dances teasingly at me, tempting me with a freedom only I can grant myself.

I have a free and unrelenting spirit, this mental prison I find myself in is of my own accord. The windows of my mind have darkened into a dull gray, the color of old, tired, steel.

My spirit beckons, "why?".

It is when this thing inside me moves, when it speaks, does my world change and my emotions shift. A smile breaks from the corners of my mouth adding a glimmer to the moisture in my eyes.

A feeling of rebellion and invincibility that could possibly be false, bubbles up inside me and again like a mantra, the silence of my voice screams inside my head........

"The stricture is a pale reprimand to the loveliness of the crime"

My mind jumps to the image of the thing that I love. I am transported to a time in my memory when I held that which I love in my arms. In this moment, this moment precisely, the commanding power of my heart is obvious. The proverbial weights drop off my shoulders, breaking the chains that bound them to me.

I think that if anyone was present, they would've witnessed the exact point in which the light returned to my face.

Somewhere between the cold shadows of this room and the blinding warmth of the thoughts I'm clutching onto, I find comfort in knowing that with all the consequences that have yet to befall me, I will always have that sanctuary with my love waiting for me -- whether it be in a spiritual or physical realm.

And I think when you acknowledge such a thing to be true, there is nothing out there capable of dampening that surge.

As I get up off the floor, I light that cigarette I've been toying with, I pour whats left of my cold coffee into the sink and I walk over to that red candle.

Now, my laugh is reminiscent of childhood falls, and as I watch the smoke lingering above the flame I've just blown out, I find its all been worth it and I need only to count the days till the line between memory and reality fades into nothing.

Taking another drag from my cigarette, I breathe in and nod... I see its all so simple, its all so disturbingly and delightfully clear.

"The stricture is a pale reprimand to the loveliness of the crime."

Monday, July 23, 2007

she..

her lips, taste of flesh. not the sweetness a cliche would describe them to have, but examined more in depth you'll find that when enough time is spent on them, pushing, pulling, biting... the blood that is drawn to the surface is what sweetens your taste buds.... hinting that perhaps all that is from within her have similar tastes.

her skin, smells of an earthy concoction. It peaks your interest; first with the obvious scents of vanilla, leading you to the more mysterious and passive traces of another fragrance. your mind races with memories that this smell triggers, you close your eyes and explore different parts of her body; all the curves, the niches, the highs and lows determinedly searching for a stronger source... and only when she sweats will the aroma become clear, the illusive smell of sun, sand, sea and sugar................. coconut. her skin smells of vanilla and coconut.

her gaze, is warm and easy when it is set it on you... yet fierce, heart-stopping and sudden when she glances at you. her eyes glimmer as if to smile, when you kiss her shoulder... and shut with force begging you to continue, in other moments. when they look up at you its affection, and when they look down at you its mischief. her eyes eliminate the need for words, and they exaggerate the emotion in other "audible encouragement".

her touch, is that of an angel. she knows exactly where to touch you, how to touch you, and for how long. she paints her thoughts with her fingertips, and each pore of your body clings to her every move. her freeness releases you of your inhibitions, and her heartbeat drives you wild. silk wouldn't do justice to to describe how her thighs feel, and they seem endless leading you to the impossible curve of her hips, guiding you in all directions at once.

her breath, is both hot and cold. she has a way of breathing, that makes you believe she does so only for you. that impossible bottom lip coupled with her quick tongue shapes words that swirl in your head, without an escape. and those words, those beautifully sculpted words she puts together for you and you alone, words that you know no one could've possibly heard uttered quite so eloquently...........well, you can think of only one other thing that she does better with that mouth of hers.

her spirit, is relentless. she has passion in her thoughts, wonder in her questions, innocence in her love, persistence in her desires, truth in her beliefs, and confidence in herself. her spirit is undeniable, insatiable, indomitable, charming, and captivating. the electricity that she exudes is simply breathtaking and she............... she is intoxicating.


she takes a lifetime to taste, smell, see and hear......

but her demands are simple........ that you taste warmth on her lips, smell life on her skin, find home in her eyes, feel ease with her touch, receive youth from her breath, and discover inspiration in her spirit.

Friday, December 29, 2006

the human paradox..

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly,
laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life, but not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and
small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around
forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind..

"Some look at the world the way it is and ask why. Others dream the world as it should be, and ask why not."

Thursday, November 30, 2006

medical lingo..

one of the few times i caught myself laughing my ass off at a comic...

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Thursday, July 06, 2006

...no cigar

its 6:30am.. i haven't slept

**delete**

i was writing a blog about feelings of regret/jealousy/sadness that i was feeling, all derived from being less fortunate than a few of my friends.

Fuck it.. life's grand.. i've gotta get back in touch with my Zen and stop allowing the materialistic values of my environment to suck me in.

i've got my friends, and they're more than anyone could ask for. as long as i've got you guys, my lifes golden!!!

i guess sleep deprivation and staring at a laptop for 12hours straight can turn you into a somewhat lonely ascetic...

hah! depression almost got me there.. but no cigar.

Freedomland



I just watched freedomland a few hours ago, it was KICKASS!!!! All of you out there who know me, know that I am quite truly a movie buff... well, i'm more like an acting buff.. but.. tomato - tomato (read:tomahtow)..

in Freedomland, the acting is brilliant!! no no, that's an understatement, it is absolutely superb. I'm probably not the most neutral judge, because I'm already completely enchanted by the talents of Samuel L. Jackson, and Julianne Moore (well hellooo clariiiice -hannibal).

Jackson pretty much stays true to character and plays an oh-too-cool detective. Much like shaft (watch yo mouth!!), samuel is so suave i almost pissed my pants.

Moore on the other hand, completely blew me away with her performance as an out-of-her-mind psycho. Now,playing a typical freak (i.e Norman Bates), isn't the biggest challenge. But in this movie, Moore convincingly portrays a mom that has TRULY cracked! I've loved her since Hannibal. (but thats mostly due to the fact that i'm head over heels for Sir Anthony Hopkins - he is my silver fox, ill probably blog about him soon). But I am now beginning to see her true talents, I'm seeing more color in her performances. From the strong-willed woman she played in Hannibal, to the witty and frantic lawyer she played in Laws Of Attraction. And now to see her completely shatter her 'hollywood starlette' persona to take on a most disturbing character. Her white-trash'esque display of a woman on the edge of self-destruction was captivating. I don't give away gold stars for acting that often..but Moore deserves some milk and cookies to go with the star i'm giving her for this movie!!!

I won't give away the story, but it involves violence, scandal, neglect, jealosy, danger, love, and of course... white policemen beating black thugs with nightsticks. I don't care what kind of movies you like, this movie has got something for everyone!! GO SEE THE MOVIE.. you won't be sorry...

Kat's kickass-o-rama movie meter : 9 /10
Kat's kickass-o-rama acting meter : 11billion/10

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Cease Fire..

Alright.. im going to try to stay calm and not turn this post into a ranting post. Although I will allow myself a few outbursts.

Ok, I won't go into detail about the context.. But just a few minutes ago.. after happily having a laugh with friends over my post about santa claus, I was pretty much attacked. No not physically... so you don't have to worry about that.

I'm laughing with my friends, having a good time. And for absolutely no reason someone comes up to me, and starts throwing insults and what not at me. When i got over the shock of the randomness of the whole situation, i composed myself and said "wtf?"... Still hoping that it was a joke.. ---long story short, the guy wasn't joking, rather, he was just looking for a conflict.

It got me thinking about why people get a kick out of that? I understand that ego plays into it, and it all is linked back to our primal instincts. Its the same as when bulls challenge each other for no reason other than to gain the feeling of having accomplished something by degrading someone else. Of course, we tolerate the bulls' behavior.. but when humans who supposedly are the more intelligent race, humans who are supposedly superior to other animals/beasts, humans who are supposed to have compassion... when humans do it.. I just sit there dumbfounded.

When I'm not trying to contain my anger and not stoop to their level. I just shake my head and this overwhelming feeling of disappointment comes over me. Its stupid shit like this that makes this world a less enjoyable place to live in sometimes... and what's more is that its completely unnecessary.

well.. in light of recent events.. i think this is appropriate:

This is for those people in life that surround themselves with anger, grudges and hate towards another person, in an attempt to find some sort of fake self-esteem for themselves. For those people in life that submerge themselves in trying to make your life just that much harder... i have people like that in my life.. this is for those pathetic little parasites....

"You're nothin but a fly in my soup... I pity you for having to waste your time on hatred.... And i wish you exactly what you deserve, no less, & no more."


I don't want to sound like a hippie.. but people please, for your own sakes. Don't let your fear and insecurity control your life. I believe that in the core of every human is a good soul. A pure self that remains un-tainted, yet not strong enough to fight the influences of the environment surrounding it. Don't let your fear change you into someone you don't want to be.

there's no worse feeling that looking back ten years from now, and wishing you had done it differently, because maybe you wouldn't be the person you've become. There's no worse feeling than regret.

I wish i didn't pity you.... but i do.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

ho ho ho NO !!!!



Alright, so I have a friend.. (please hold your applause).. his names Karim. We were chatting today, and we both had the urge to unload some creative juices. (don't point out the sexual connotation of that phrase, I see it too).. but we couldn't figure out what to write a blog about, so we gave each other a subject. Just for the hell of bitching.. here's mine..

Ok.. so I'm about to shatter a few of your most cherished childhood memories.. and no, I feel no guilt.

Santa Clause..St.Nicholas..the fat fuck dressed in red velvet. Here's my opinion of him... I think that Santa Clause has been carried from generation to generation as a desperate attempt by parents to get their kids to behave.

The thought that at the end of the year, a rosy-cheeked jolly man rewards you with the gifts you desire the most is appealing to most kids. Now after they dangle that in your face.. they slip in what they want in return.

Parent: "yep, that's right! The biggest most badassed toys you want.. but you have to behave."
Mind-fucked child: "what do you mean behave daddy?"
Parent: "well....... *sounds of distant bells jingling, and the set turns into a musical*..you better not pout, you better not cry, you better not fuck anymore of my shit up.. *records scratching, stage lights dim*
MFC: "nigga whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"
---Comrades, nothing in life is free.

Santa Claus could've existed once upon a time. Maybe he was a sweet old man who used to buy gifts for orphans during the cold bitter winter. And he remained anonymous, hence the legend formed around him. Or maybe he was well-known and his name was Nicholas Claus, and the town called him St. Nicholas...... Or maybe he was just a dirty old man, the first of the pedophiles, the start & reason for our current-day epidemic. Who knows. The fact is, he doesn't exist now.

Let me break it down for you simple-minded internet junkies..:
1. Have you ever seen a flying reindeer? and don't give me that shit about "well, you can't see air either but it doesn't mean its not there"... go suck a candy cane u twat.
2. How big does your chimney have to be? Chimneys now are pretty much just a simple exhaust system. Unless santa claus has advanced alien technology and has learned how to de-molecularize.. it aint hap'nin..
3. A bottomless happy-sack? Could you possibly fit 5 billion toys in one red sack? This is also assuming that every kid is asking for one toy, I'm not even taking into account the selfish assholes asking for 2 gifts.. or GOD FORBID 3...
4. Around the world in 80..minutes? If Santa can go around the world, climb in and out of chimneys, and eat all the damn cookies and milk that was set out for him in one night. NASA would've blown his ass up on the way to Mars already.

I know, I know.. I should've left this subject alone. Because in a world like today.. we all need a warm thought like santa to make us feel warm and fuzzy in times of need. well.......
I AGREE...... SO BLAME KARIM!! HE MADE ME DO IT... what an ass he is huh?

I are a patriotic American..


I guess considering the direction the US of A is headed to nowadays.. I'd probably be tarred and feathered if I didn't post a blog like this....
Long Live America!!!
Happy 4th of July ya'll... ya'll come back now yahear?!!!




If you're an american.. try to ignore the lack of effort i put into this..

Lies.. All Lies.....



You know when you're 5.. and you're eating soup or something. Most humans would pick out the potatoes, and meat, chicken.. whatever. Then maybe, just maybe.. if you're a fat little shit - you'll eat the carrots...

why do we choose to consume this strange orange root? because its been burned into our sub-conscious since we were able to mutter out the words "mahmah".. that carrots are good for your eyes.

now at 5, you're parents can also tell you that meatballs are made from cows eyes, or rat meat.. and you'd believe them!! When in actuality, meatballs are just expensive, not toxic.

Now just recently.. I was reminded of this whole carrot-myth. My parents used to tell me, "well, have you ever seen a bunny with glasses?".. at 5 my reaction was "huh.. no, i haven't.. well shit on my face and call me grandma..they're on to something!!"... Now my reaction is more like "what the motherfuck?".....
rabbits shit in pellets too but i don't see you doing that!!!!

Now I realise i should just shut up and say "well, if its good enough for bugs.. its good enough for me".. screw bugs bunny.. bugs bunny lives in a hole.

Ok, so the truth is carrots contain vitamin A. and A lack of vitamin A can cause things like blindness. But i think my 5 year-old self would've appreciated hearing that instead of being belittled and lied to. Then i could've just gone out and bought myself some Vitamin A pills... win-win no?

You know, I think that this could be part of the reason why little kids hate vegetables so much. Somewhere in our sub-conscious, we probably know our parents are lying to us, even at that young age. Maybe we take out our contempt of being lied to on the carrots and broccoli. They force us to eat that stuff to "better our vision",but seriously.. how much better can an eyesight of a 5 year-old get? Wtf do they expect, we start seeing through walls? So just for the hell of it, we rebel in our later years and spend hours and hours in front of the computer and t.v JUST to fuck up our eyes. "HELL YEAH MOM, take THAT! I'm 14 and legally blind!! So much for those carrots huh bitch!!!"

I have a theory that little kids are actually geniuses deep in their pea-sized brains. I just haven't been able to prove it yet. But seriously, i think we're all born as geniuses... And the reason why we grow up to be the fucktards that we are is once again, because of our parents. How do you expect us to excel and fulfill our potential if you talk to us in gibberish for the first 3 years of our life?!!?! "ohh aren't you just the cutest wittle baby?? huh? my widdle shnugleboofskie? oh i wov you.. i wooov you my poopoopikachu.."

Then they LOVE it when we say "babaah" instead of bottle.. I think that toddlers are perfectly capable of saying "gimme my bottle before i doobie-slap ur face"... but why go through the effort, when we get the same effect by saying "babaah"?? We're not stupid, just lazy shits... and remain that way till present day.

*sigh*... if you need a licence to drive a piece of lifeless machinery.. why the fuck don't we test moms and dads-to be ? We should start issuing parenting licenses, test them first.. give them a watermelon to carry around for a month. I bet they'd think twice about having kids!! Then maybe, just maybe.. the world wouldn't be overpopulated!

See... I just solved the biggest 60 year-old problem on earth, in less than 10minutes... that's called applying yourself..

AND I DIDN'T EVEN EAT ANY CARROTS TODAY!!

- one -

one of the most beautiful things about Earth is the diversity of it. Unfortunately that's also what causes most of our problems, - our differences. In a perfect world not only would we accept each other along with the differences, but we'd love and embrace them for it. It's a shame that most of us take a defensive stance against those who are different.

On the other hand, the conflicts that we go through in life, no matter how big or small, make us better people..stronger people,less vulnerable and less fragile. But along with those traits, we become less trusting and more stubborn.

I wasn't dealt the best hand in life, but i appreciate the things that have happened to me and still are happening. I've gained a lot from my own mistakes. and I've also gained a lot from being forced to live a type of life that i did not choose. Because I know when it comes time to take charge of my life, i'll be better equipped.

So in a way, i'm happy that the world has the balance that it does, the euphoric highs, as well as the devastating lows. The only thing that i would change is the way people view conflicts...if only they would look at the problems they have as a lesson, something to learn from. instead of a reason to hurt others.

How beautiful would it be if the world could grow together? Grow and learn new things.... together. We wouldn't have all these super-rich countries vs. the poor 3rd World countries. Because we'd stop looking at it as countries.. we'd look at ourselves as a whole, a big family.. living on the same rock. Instead of instinctually picking a side, we need to learn to accept. Constructive criticism is only constructive if you know how to take it. Look within yourself and work out your problems, whats so bad about getting criticised if it makes you a better person? don't we all strive to be better?

Wouldn't it be beautiful if when countries give money to a place like aceh, they wouldn't expect anything back? Pure generosity for one another. Simply because you'd want it to happen to you. Treat everyone around you as if they were your father, or mother, brother or sister.

We haven't found another planet to live on yet, so learn to forgive the people here. You'll be stuck with them for at least 70years.

fear is what turns arguments into wars. love is what turns arguments into a smile, a laugh.. followed by "ok.. you're right, we'll try it like that"...

but for that to work, someones got to suck it up and actually say those words.. take the first step. I'm willing to do that... i wish more people would.